It is Jesus you seek when you dream of happiness; he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted...it is Jesus who stirs you to do something great with your lives.
Blessed Pope John Paul II
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Then what am I to do? I asked in prayer for you to open my heart to your scriptures and speak to me... I opened your holy gospels to the agony in the garden, where you told me to be vigilant lest I fall into temptation. I know if I fall into temptation I will fail and therefore I ask to be delivered from evil... but how do I remain vigilant? I begged of you the other day for a mass... some church or place where I could go to root myself because I felt myself beginning to slip into past patterns of behavior.
Yet even today, I visited a strip club. Part of me felt sorry for the women, I even bought them food because they said they were hungry. Yet I was still there. I was a monger. One woman told me I was nothing like the other people, yet I was still there (and she said that before I bought them food). They do what they have to do in order to earn a living. People are so quick to condemn them, but if I was like you then I would have never gawked at them. I feel so schizophrenic. Anyway I am sorry - I am sorry I am so insecure. I am sorry I am not a (good) man. I want to be better. What am I to do? I first sought you to be special. When I left your seminary I begged to be "normal". I don't want to be special or set apart but I do want to be true and that is precisely what I have not been. I lie.. I lie constantly to get my way and manipulate a situation to my benefit. Charity is gone from me. Even if I show one act of Charity, soon something evil enters my mind where I can manipulate x or y to my advantage. Even though I did not do so, I have done so in the past and what is to say I won't do so again? You tell me to hope but how much more damage am I going to wreak because I don't get it right? better to screwup then be prideful I guess but good god - honestly why can't my heart and soul be stone that you command to turn into loaves of bread. Simply command it and it will be so. Why this drama? Why this pain? I'm afraid, is this the path to conversion or am I screwing up in even worse ways then before? I am always the bull in the china shop - to speak. I will not give up - I will trust in you. Better to know any good work is of you rather than me but how many times do I have to cause sinful ripples in the pond of humanity to mitigate my pride? I can't even say I love you because that would be wrong, and it makes me cry!!! but I am sorry. I'm sorry.
no it wouldn't be wrong to say I love you. If you didn't love, it wouldn't hurt to offend Jesus. Say sorry and move forward. Prayer for you, friend! Trust in Jesus and ask Mary for help! : )
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